Recovering from people pleasing is about leading a life that reflects your own values. It is about your good deeds coming from a place of love and genuine kindness rather than from a place of fear or obligation. Saying no is not rude, disagreeing with someone does not always mean you are difficult, and communicating your needs is not selfish. Having the courage to embrace your authentic self and to respectfully and calmly assert your boundaries can actually lead you to have relationships that are deeper, more authentic and more fulfilling.
If I were your counselor and you wanted to work on reducing excessive people pleasing, I would explore with you the costs of people pleasing in your life and help you develop a strong and intrinsic commitment to change. I would also help you understand the reasons behind your people pleasing behaviors. For more information about potential causes and costs of people pleasing behaviors, please read my previous blog on the topic: reasons-and-costs-of-people-pleasing
We would also work on identifying and challenging the thoughts that drive your people pleasing behaviors. While challenging your thoughts, you may realize that you have underlying beliefs such as “If I focus on my needs, I must be selfish,” and “Good people put others’ needs before their own.” that may fuel some of the thoughts that we are challanging. We need to put those core beliefs to the test to see if they serve us. What is their impact? How do they help and how do they harm you? Where do they come frrom? Are these beliefs you want to pass on to the next generation?
Furthermore, we would process past trauma that may have led to automatic people pleasing responses. I would also assist you in creating a gradual plan on how to communicate your boundaries and help you anticipate the emotions that may arise as you try to establish new habits. Before any of this, you and I would also go through stress management and self-regulation strategies that you could use while both processing trauma and practicing your new behaviors.
Some of your loved ones may struggle with receiving your boundaries. They may like the idea of you growing, but they may expect themselves to be an exception to the rule. This may be because they are used to having a certain relationship with you, and they may push back against the new boundaries of your relationship. They may need time to grieve. They may need time to gain a better understanding of your needs and boundaries. They may need to learn to regulate their emotions. It is important to remember that while you are on your journey, so are they. It may be very hard to experience conflict with a loved one. This is when it is most important to practice self-compassion and to remember your “why” for the boundaries.