Overcoming People Pleasing

Recovering from people pleasing is about leading a life that reflects your own values. It is about your good deeds coming from a place of love and genuine kindness rather than from a place of fear or obligation. Saying no is not rude, disagreeing with someone does not always mean you are difficult, and communicating your needs is not selfish. Having the courage to embrace your authentic self and to respectfully and calmly assert your boundaries can actually lead you to have relationships that are deeper, more authentic and more fulfilling.

If I were your counselor and you wanted to work on reducing excessive people pleasing, I would explore with you the costs of people pleasing in your life and help you develop a strong and intrinsic commitment to change. I would also help you understand the reasons behind your people pleasing behaviors. For more information about potential causes and costs of people pleasing behaviors, please read my previous blog on the topic: reasons-and-costs-of-people-pleasing

We would also work on identifying and challenging the thoughts that drive your people pleasing behaviors. While challenging your thoughts, you may realize that you have underlying beliefs such as  “If I focus on my needs, I must be selfish,” and “Good people put others’ needs before their own.” that may fuel some of the thoughts  that we are challanging. We need to put those core beliefs to the test to see if they serve us. What is their impact? How do they help and how do they harm you? Where do they come frrom? Are these beliefs you want to pass on to the next generation? 

Furthermore, we would process past trauma that may have led to automatic people pleasing responses.  I would also assist you in creating a gradual plan on how to communicate your boundaries and help you anticipate the emotions that may arise as you try to establish new habits. Before any of this, you and I would also go through stress management and self-regulation strategies that you could use while both processing trauma and practicing your new behaviors.

Some of your loved ones may struggle with receiving your boundaries. They may like the idea of you growing, but they may expect themselves to be an exception to the rule. This may be because they are used to having a certain relationship with you, and they may push back against the new boundaries of your relationship. They may need time to grieve. They may need  time to gain a better understanding of your needs and boundaries. They may need to learn to regulate their emotions. It is important to remember that while you are on your journey, so are they. It may be very hard to experience conflict with a loved one. This is when it is most important to practice self-compassion and to remember your “why” for the boundaries. 

Does People Pleasing Hold You Back? Ask Yourself These 12 Questions

It is not surprising that we want to be liked. Who does not want to be known as polite or kind?  How many of us actually enjoy upsetting someone let alone someone we care about? Even evolution says cooperating with others increases our chances of survival. Nothing wrong with wanting to make our loved ones happy, right? Right … and sometimes wrong!

The desire to please others or avoid conflict becomes problematic when it consistently comes at the cost of our own happiness, peace, authenticity and perhaps even health.  I prepared a list of questions for you to reflect on, to decide for yourself if conflict avoidance/people pleasing is a problem in your life. Let’s dive in.

• How often do you over-explain your decisions or actions to people even when it is your decision to make?

• How often do you say yes to activities that you have no interest in or energy for?

• Do you take responsibility for things that are not your fault?

• Do you over-apologize for small mistakes that were out of your control?

• How do you make your decisions when you are being kind/polite? Are these kind actions coming from a place of love and joy or fear/anxiety?

• Do you feel taken advantage of or resentful to a point where you start avoiding people or perhaps to their shock lash out at them?

• Do you have a fear of being perceived as selfish?

• Do you ever find yourself sharing too much about yourself to make someone else feel more at ease?

• Do you have excessive worries around letting people down?

• How often do you lose sleep overthinking about a conflict you had with a friend or a colleague?

• Are you someone that is overly aware of other people’s facial expressions and potential emotions/mood? Do you often feel responsible for people’s moods or emotions? 

• Have you ever asked your partner “are you mad at me?” and see them looking back at you confused, surprised, and wondering what you are talking about? 

If you want to have a better understanding of people pleasing/ conflict avoidance and what you can do to reduce their impact, please visit back soon as more blog entries on the topic are on their way.

If you would like to book an appointment to find out more about how we could help, please click below.