Overcoming People Pleasing

Recovering from people pleasing is about leading a life that reflects your own values. It is about your good deeds coming from a place of love and genuine kindness rather than from a place of fear or obligation. Saying no is not rude, disagreeing with someone does not always mean you are difficult, and communicating your needs is not selfish. Having the courage to embrace your authentic self and to respectfully and calmly assert your boundaries can actually lead you to have relationships that are deeper, more authentic and more fulfilling.

If I were your counselor and you wanted to work on reducing excessive people pleasing, I would explore with you the costs of people pleasing in your life and help you develop a strong and intrinsic commitment to change. I would also help you understand the reasons behind your people pleasing behaviors. For more information about potential causes and costs of people pleasing behaviors, please read my previous blog on the topic: reasons-and-costs-of-people-pleasing

We would also work on identifying and challenging the thoughts that drive your people pleasing behaviors. While challenging your thoughts, you may realize that you have underlying beliefs such as  “If I focus on my needs, I must be selfish,” and “Good people put others’ needs before their own.” that may fuel some of the thoughts  that we are challanging. We need to put those core beliefs to the test to see if they serve us. What is their impact? How do they help and how do they harm you? Where do they come frrom? Are these beliefs you want to pass on to the next generation? 

Furthermore, we would process past trauma that may have led to automatic people pleasing responses.  I would also assist you in creating a gradual plan on how to communicate your boundaries and help you anticipate the emotions that may arise as you try to establish new habits. Before any of this, you and I would also go through stress management and self-regulation strategies that you could use while both processing trauma and practicing your new behaviors.

Some of your loved ones may struggle with receiving your boundaries. They may like the idea of you growing, but they may expect themselves to be an exception to the rule. This may be because they are used to having a certain relationship with you, and they may push back against the new boundaries of your relationship. They may need time to grieve. They may need  time to gain a better understanding of your needs and boundaries. They may need to learn to regulate their emotions. It is important to remember that while you are on your journey, so are they. It may be very hard to experience conflict with a loved one. This is when it is most important to practice self-compassion and to remember your “why” for the boundaries. 

Causes and Costs of People Pleasing

Potential Causes

Finding out where the excessive need to please others come from could be a good first step on your journey to recover from people pleasing. 

Trauma

People pleasing may have started out as a trauma response. Many of you likely heard about the fight or flight responses to traumatic events. Some of you could have also heard about the freeze response. Have you heard of the fawn response? Fawn is a trauma response, when a person learns to be cooperative or to meet the needs of others to survive. Like fight, flight or freeze, fawn is an unconscious conditioning that occurs due to experiences of traumatic events and our responses to survive to them. Our brains are wise, they decide during times of danger which of these responses will get us to survive with the least amount of harm. If fawn was your response to past trauma that allowed you to survive, it may also become a second nature to you. Great news is, our brains have neuroplasticity and rewiring it is possible. So just because this has been your automated response so far does not mean it is your life sentence. 

Family/ Society

You might have had a caregiver who consistently prioritized others' needs over their own, often sacrificing their own well-being and perhaps at times even yours. Their people pleasing behaviors may have been admired by those around them or it may have kept them safe, reinforcing the idea in your mind that putting oneself last is a virtue.

Alternatively, you might have had a parent or parents who placed emotional expectations on you that were unrealistic for your age. For example, your caregivers may have expected you to act as a mediator during their marital conflicts.You may have felt that you were responsible for the communication between two adults even though you were just a child. Or you may have felt that you had to navigate an adult’s feelings finding yourself as the emotional caregiver of your actual caregiver.  Perhaps, you felt responsible for fixing your others’ moods and even got praised or rewarded when you could. 

There may also be cultural reasons that may lead you to believe that saying no to others or disagreeing with others is rude or putting self before others is selfish. There may also be a gender component to it.  In many communities, women are expected to be nurturing, empathetic and collaborative. While these are wonderful qualities, at times the expectations of these qualities could weigh heavy during times of conflict. 

Potential Costs

It is a good idea to spend some time to understand the potential impact people pleasing or conflict avoidance may have on your life. This could allow you to have a stronger commitment to recovery as you would have a clear why. Here are two potential costs:             

Loss of Authenticity

If you act out of fear of others’ reactions, instead of your own values and desires, you may lose who you are or who you want to be. If you consistently say yes to things that you do not want to do, or agree on things you do not actually agree with, you may create a misperception of who you actually are to people you are in relations with. Your relationships, your friendships may not be genuine. Your loved ones may not know of your needs. You may feel resentful to a point where you may avoid your loved ones or out of characteristically lash out on them. Your self-worth gets determined by how much you meet other people’s needs or validation.

Loss of Resources

We all have limited resources including of our time and energy.  Replaying conversations in your minds and worrying excessively about how others might have reacted to what you said or did would be such a poor use of  time. Instead of using your mental energy to focus on solutions, or enjoying the moment you are in, you could get caught up in unproductive, relentless  and anxiety provoking thoughts. Such people pleasing would also cause stress in your life. Chronic and excessive stress could lead to poor quality of life, lower cognitive functioning, sleep disturbance and even to physical health problems. 

You deserve to have genuine and deep relations, be your authentic self and have more time and energy. If you believe, people pleasing is holding you back, I encourage you to reflect on its impact on your life and see if this is an area where you need to commit to for personal growth.  If you are interested in learning more about strategies to overcome people pleasing such restructuring of core beliefs, please check out next week’s post. If you would like to talk to a counsellor about people pleasing, please book an appointment by clicking the below button.

Does People Pleasing Hold You Back? Ask Yourself These 12 Questions

It is not surprising that we want to be liked. Who does not want to be known as polite or kind?  How many of us actually enjoy upsetting someone let alone someone we care about? Even evolution says cooperating with others increases our chances of survival. Nothing wrong with wanting to make our loved ones happy, right? Right … and sometimes wrong!

The desire to please others or avoid conflict becomes problematic when it consistently comes at the cost of our own happiness, peace, authenticity and perhaps even health.  I prepared a list of questions for you to reflect on, to decide for yourself if conflict avoidance/people pleasing is a problem in your life. Let’s dive in.

• How often do you over-explain your decisions or actions to people even when it is your decision to make?

• How often do you say yes to activities that you have no interest in or energy for?

• Do you take responsibility for things that are not your fault?

• Do you over-apologize for small mistakes that were out of your control?

• How do you make your decisions when you are being kind/polite? Are these kind actions coming from a place of love and joy or fear/anxiety?

• Do you feel taken advantage of or resentful to a point where you start avoiding people or perhaps to their shock lash out at them?

• Do you have a fear of being perceived as selfish?

• Do you ever find yourself sharing too much about yourself to make someone else feel more at ease?

• Do you have excessive worries around letting people down?

• How often do you lose sleep overthinking about a conflict you had with a friend or a colleague?

• Are you someone that is overly aware of other people’s facial expressions and potential emotions/mood? Do you often feel responsible for people’s moods or emotions? 

• Have you ever asked your partner “are you mad at me?” and see them looking back at you confused, surprised, and wondering what you are talking about? 

If you want to have a better understanding of people pleasing/ conflict avoidance and what you can do to reduce their impact, please visit back soon as more blog entries on the topic are on their way.

If you would like to book an appointment to find out more about how we could help, please click below.

Three Ways to Self Care When Short on Time

1) Challenge Your Negative Self-Talk

Some people think that negative self-talk will motivate them to reach their goals or that it will protect them from failing. These core beliefs were likely introduced to them by their families who had good intentions. Negative self talk not only discourages us but also exhausts us. It is a pretty poor way of using our internal resources. Better way to take care of ourselves is to accept that we need to challenge negative self-talk. Where do we start?

• Be aware of your negative self talk (you can attempt to catch yourself throughout the day or journal for five minutes each night to summarize the negative thoughts you had about yourself during the day).

• Remind yourself that thoughts are stories we create in our minds and that they are not facts.

• Remind yourself that this kind of thinking actually limits you.

• Challenge the negative statements such as “I am stupid” with evidence against these statements such as reminders of your strengths and past accomplishments.

• Challenge the negative statements such as “she hates me” with alternate explanations to the situation (perhaps she did not say hi because she had a bad day, perhaps she did not see you, perhaps she was thinking about something else or perhaps she is upset with you).

• Replace these statements with statements that you would use if you were to talk to your kids or friends if they are in a similar situation.

2) Take Physical Breaks

Our bodies and minds need rest to survive. We also need physical breaks to get inspired and to get creative. The most complex problems at times are solved when we are out on a walk or when we are folding the laundry.

• During your coffee breaks instead of checking your phone, try to go for a 10 minute walk.

• When it is not possible to take a 10 minute break, engage in gentle stretches for 5 minutes, looking away from the screen.

• If that is not possible stand up for one minute for every hour and look away from the screen. If you cannot access standing, look away from the screen, get into a comfortable position and observe your breathe non-judgementally (without needing your breath to be deeper or for it to be timed perfectly). If breathing is triggering to you, you can get into a comfortable seat and look at a pleasant thing.

3) Practice Gratitude (Let me explain!)

As human beings, we are likely to scan for danger and focus on the negative. If impacted by anxiety or traumatic memories, you may be even more likely to scan for danger and find the negative. While I am not suggesting that we ignore the negatives, we need to have a more balanced view of both the negative and the positive to help us with our mood, energy levels and motivation.

Learn to dwell on the positive. If you told me that I was funny, that would make me happy but the joy would be short lived. If you told me that I was boring, I would likely dwell on that comment when cooking, driving, or folding laundry. We need to limit the time spent on the negative and increase the time spent on the positive to have a more balanced perspective.

People often write vague gratitude lists. I am grateful to have a home, have food and my family. I am grateful for my dog and my partner. I am grateful for my job and my friends. I am grateful for my health. I challenge you to go deeper than that. What does it feel like to have a safe home to come to? Feel the support of your favourite chair on your back, feel the warmth of your blanket and practice gratitude somatically. What does it feel like to have food? Some religions practice fasting to better understand those who experience hunger every day. Next time you are eating your favourite food, slow down the process and really take it in. How does it smell? What does it look like? What is the texture like? How does it make you feel? Slow down the activities you enjoy and notice the joy. Let your body and mind register this experience instead of rushing through it in autopilot.